This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I did not marry a roomba.
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