i will never coherently bang her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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