dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize