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Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
