It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
