I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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