I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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