I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
