why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
