I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
