My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
