That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
as a side note pls kill me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
