sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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