before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
