my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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