you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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