fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
