the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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