we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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