I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
did i just pee glitter
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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