I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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