Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
