i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
