at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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