She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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