He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
