i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
