The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
