Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
