I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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