Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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