I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
