He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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