Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
