I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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