Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
