Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
