Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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