guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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