i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
