I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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