I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
