This is not my ceiling
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
