Michael Bay diarrhea
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
