I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
