if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
3 2 1 whiskey
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
