shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
