I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
