is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
