Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
