Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
