On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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