hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
