this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
